When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
