shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
