My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
