I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
