Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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