Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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