I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
