I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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