I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
