i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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