I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
being pregnant is like rehab
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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