My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
A bitchslap is in order.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
