so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
