WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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