my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
