I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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