It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
