I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
