My first STD was from a foam party
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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