I smell stomach acid.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
