God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
