dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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