I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
