I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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