I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
