I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
