I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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