she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
