just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
