I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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