In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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