Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
