im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
