I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
