Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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