so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
