He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
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Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
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She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties