..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.