hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...