I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
