guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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