Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
