At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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