A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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