Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She bit a glass in half.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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