Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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