i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
