I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
