it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
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She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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