drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Randomize
