he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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