Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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