I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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