Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
