The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
