So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
i out mim tonsoeep
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