Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
